On Beauty

On Beauty

I am a fast speaking woman, I am a forked tongue
Woman,
I am a woman with words, a woman of curves
a curse.

I’m a woman that cares too much,
A woman that don’t give a damn, I am
a hell fire woman, I’ll spit in
your face
I’ll lick your wounds, I am
an animal,
I’m a nail biting woman, I am

spell bounding, too.

Look into my eyes and
you’ll see nothing

but Truth,
I am a woman of my word
the words, and the world
Did I mention?

I am a fast speaking woman,

Too quick
and I’m gone
outta here,
I am a woman that leaves
no breadcrumbs.
I am my own legacy, I speak

a history of cavities
I speak

with my swollen tongue,
my bitten lips
I’m thirsty,
and I bring my own water.
I drink,
from a pool of electricity.
Did I mention
I am a fast speaking woman?
I have no reins behind me
cool, like ocean water
and warm like
sand
tossed for 1000 years.
I am a woman of no bones
so you can’t break my back,
but still headstrong, I am
a woman
of

determination, I run circles around my own soul.
I am
the woman that
raised
me
Momma, we are fast speaking women
and you can’t
tell us
what to do.
I am an avalanche
a thin sliver of melting ice

I am the snow that falls at midnight,
the quiet
in the room
the drone, buzzing beneath
your eyelids
scraping away,
scratching to get out.
I am the fast speaking woman
you tried
so damn hard
to hide but you couldn’t
the sunrise woman,
I am the woman of new
beginnings,
the woman of turned pages,
and I’ll burn those pages, too
I am the woman of abandon,
the woman of all
embrace,
I am her

and she is I

Two stones,
at the bottom of the lake,
I am
the lady in the lake,
the woman in the water
you tried
to drown
I’ll haunt you with my siren songs, whisper

sweet nothings
about
God and the Devil raging inside,
I am the blue machinery of night,
the first moon’s harvest,
the last autumn burial,

“A boy from this small town has died,
and tonight the town awaits tomorrow
when they will lay beneath the blade
of the backhoe youth curled like a seed

in jaws of frost.”
I am the woman that greets the boy,
holding him with soft light
he is safe with me.
I am the protector woman, I am
the warrior woman, I’ll fight

till my honorable death
but I don’t die for honor anyway.

I am a woman that dreams
within your dreams
I almost forgot, I am

a fast speaking woman,

but how can you forget
your soul

knowing you can’t

depart it.
I am a memory woman,
I am an educated woman
earning knowledge, like kneading bread

I am a baked woman
I rise
I rise
I rise.
I am a fast speaking woman,
watch my words
slither
in the air
like smoke
I am the storyteller woman
I am oral antiquity, old like tree rings,
skin like wood grain,

I am the wise
Woman,
You need to keep running,
don’t stop digging,
you’ll get there,
the center of the earth isn’t hard to find,
just listen to the sound of it turning.

The Power of....

An exercise in empathy

Hello World, 

This week I've been thinking a lot about the readings and life in general. I think I'm at a crossroads right now? Where do I begin? 


I turned 27 on March 4th. Days leading up to my birthday, my brother-in-law, Derek, passed away from cancer. My oldest sister, who is almost 40, had her world turned upside down. She met Derek when she was 20 years old and essentially devoted much of her life to being happy with him and working odd jobs here and there. When he was diagnosed with cancer 10 years ago, she spent her time and money on making life easier for Derek while neglecting her own health issues. She is left with debt, years of neglected doctors visits, and is fight the pettiest battle with Derek's family on what he's left behind, all while having to move out of the house they shared together--a house that will go to his mother. She recently started a position as a tech. for a dialysis clinic in San Antonio--which is great on her, but she's moving back in with my parents and is hoping to hit a slight restart button on her life. 

This experience, and the unfolding daily drama, has had me thinking about my own values and life goals. As I approach almost six figures in student loan debt, I ask myself, is it worth it? I am the first generation in my family to go to college, and yes, that is a big deal, but if I will remain indebted to a oppressive system for the rest of my life, what value does that hold? 

When I first began my venture at TC in the fall of 2015, bright eyed and bushy tailed--I had aspirations to eventually become a professor. After hard times in New York city, and a lot of harassment and exploitation, I have reconsidered this goal. While I believe in student-centered education, and consider the arts a profound and illuminating process in learning, meaning-making, and transformation--is that enough to keep me going? I do not want to live hand to mouth. 

Recently I came across a part-time position at the Joan Mitchell Foundation as a Residency Programs Assistant. 15 hours a week or so, $20 an hour. It felt like I had a good shot. I was an early applicant. I have awards, job experience, honors, qualifications, but I didn't even get an interview. I even reached out to the director to follow up and was disappointed to hear that the search for the position was rather far along. 

I've been feeling so lost, alone, inferior, and hopeless here. Seeing my entire family struggle so severely for so many years has been painful and I do not want to perpetuate the pain the permeates my family. 

As part of my position here as studio Fellow at TC, I TA classes and host open studio hours where I can assist and guide students through their artistic endeavors. Friday, was a long day, no one showed up until the end--so I decided to paint for a while, feeling uninspired as I pushed paint around. I decided to try and attempt to paint figuratively for the first time in many years. Students often ask how to paint clouds, so I gave it a shot. It was difficult, but I pulled through after an hour and was proud of myself. 

Last semester for a class I had the opportunity to interview the director of MFA programs at City College of New York. One advice that he gave and mentioned that it was important for instructors to complete every assignment they give out. If you can't do it yourself, what is the point in assigning it? This personal exercise ended the week on a lighter note, I suppose. 

But still. 

I have to submit a draft of my dissertation proposal by Wednesday. And I just don't know what to do anymore. You can be extremely passionate about something, but if it does not support your independence what do you do? 

Module 6

How might you combine dialogic embodiment with one or more of the other practices we have discussed to explore your own sociocultural identity?

I think it might be interesting to facilitate a socio cultural identity exploration through a combination of creative writing and art making. This is something that I am working on for my imaginative project. Based on many of the readings we've encountered thus far (doing a second plug for the book I've read: Working the Margins of Community-Based Adult Learning by Shauna Butterwick and Carole Roy.), I've noticed an innate relationship between writing, making, and language. Perhaps the fine arts are tools for emotionally expressing meaning and writing provides a more concrete avenue for understanding the implications of this meaning-making.

Motter and Baldwin (2018) wrote that: In Illeris’ (2014) theory, identity is domain-specific and is holistically comprised of three layers: the stable center of core identity; the relatively stable, yet flexible, layer of personality; and the third layer, preference, which is characteristically unstable and changeable. The innermost core layer is the foundational center of identity from which the other layers emanate(p. 497).

With Illeris' theory in mind, I can see myself creating a two-part written and visual exercise where these layers can be explored visually and verbally.

For my imagination Project I am using language and materiality to explore memories of identity. To share with you all a sample of what I am working on, I pulled imagery from a memory I had during a family trip to the beach in Texas. During holidays, it is a Mexican tradition to make tamales as a family, but this is something, I think, taken care of on the mother's side of the family. Because my mother is caucasian, we didn't have the tamale tradition that I saw many friends participating in. So at the beach I made 'tamales' in the sand. The poem, I think skims a bit of the layers and the painting *snippet of it attached* actually came first before I began to write. The painting itself has sand, cornflour *masa*, and a glass particles. I thought it might be interested what happens when the visual aspect of this exercise isn't just about sight, but the materiality of it as well--the painting does smell like the masa for a tamale!

Masa

Que masa, que mas

jealous of the little chicana girls who make tamales with their abuelitas y tias

hermanas

their christmastime assembly line

their ring of aromas and laughter and song

my doughy fingers and toes grasping at sand on the beach

digging and kneading wet corn flour and stuffing my tamal with seashells and sticks

I do not know where I belong

and the waves, they crash into my little body and drag me beneath the surface of my deepest desires

in darkness,

and in darkness my breath sparkles to sky

and in darkness I am not asked where I am from

and in darkness, my mother and father reach out with wide open arms and

pull me back to shore

Take a moment to center yourself through meditative breath and silence. Once you feel you are ready, begin listening to one of the ambient audio tracks provided below. When you feel like you are ready to jump in, join the audio, filling in whatever you feel the music needs. You may chose to read a text while singing (such as a poem), or just add your own vocalized sounds.

Record your improvisation with a voice recorder of some sort. Go back and listen to your creation (share if you’d like!). Reflect on what you felt during and after the improvisation.

I think I thought about this too much haha. I decided to go with a couple of different sounds and improvise with that. I was in my apartment with my partner and dog, water was boiling for spaghetti for dinner, there was a cat meowing outside and our dog was playing. I decided to have a little fun with this a play with the sounds using Audacity. It's an extremely user-friendly audio software. Here's what I came up with. Something that I thought about after manipulating the audio was this sense of otherworldliness, which brought me back to the conversation about the film Spirited Away. Which is about this other fantastical world that exists, hidden in the present. During the improvisation it felt boring and mundane but once I was able to play around in Audacity, I felt like I unearthed some hidden sound in the everyday The sound is very chilling, but can also be read as absurd, given the original sounds. I like think this experience was metaphorical in some way. My favorite line in the reading was "Being “awake,” or in other words, being receptive, is a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual condition that is closely related to the concept of mindfulness." Maybe this experience was a challenge and exercise towards being awake to the mundane. 

1.) I invite you to become "spect-actors" and take on the role of Mrs. Teacher speaking to the principal. Play out a new dialogue between them that could change the original scenario's outcome.

2.) As you read each others' dialogues, start to make connections and observations on how others have attempted to change Mrs. Teacher's situation. What can we learn from seeing all these different strategies for confronting oppressive situations? Do you see potential in TO's ability to transform communities? Do you anticipate any limitations to this format? 

Principle: I am not sure if what your class is 'learning' falls within our school values of academic rigor. 

Teacher: I know from an outsiders perspective this may seem a little more like fun and less like learning, but this exercise is a way to engage our students in an active and creative way. Not only are students learning to creatively improvise and interact with each other, but the learning is not just a mental process, but can be extended to a physical process as well. 

Principle: And how to do you think this will help when standardized testing is right around the corner? 

Teacher: Perhaps you'd be willing to let me put together a presentation on how this pedagogical method of embodied learning actually fosters the cognitive flexibility of our students? I have been talking with other faculty members about teaming up to lead an interdisciplinary workshop on American history through movement. Do you have time to meet in the next few weeks to discuss? 

Principle: Maybe--I'm not sure. 

Teacher: If we keep the curriculum exciting for students, this will also engage and impress the parents. These innovative approaches to learning may even be one of the key factors in attracting prospective students. 

Principle: You have two weeks to put together a presentation with the History Teacher for our next Faculty and Staff meeting. Don't let me down. 

Dream Journal Remnants

I've been keeping a dream journal and while I do not feel comfortable sharing the details of my dreams, I'd like to share some striking images that have appeared.

• Two small birds with a single string tied to one of their legs, connecting the birds. There is a gameshow where people must use their tongue to keep the birds from flying away, and eat them alive
• A bat with its wings shaved, bloody in a sink that's in a living room, I mop the floors to cover up the smell while my mother and sister watch TV
• Images of waves during the sunset
• The feeling of losing my partner
• Several dreams being in relationships with men I do not know, kissing and hand holding happen sometimes, never sex
• Teeth, something about teeth
• My dog trapped in a propane heater, burning
• Waking up Crying
• THERE HAVE BEEN NO SERENE DREAMS

Here's what I've looked into so far. 

Wearing or seeing bat wings in the dream, reflects that you need to be nimble and fast in your decisions. It foretells that you may need to act on your instinct to deal with upcoming obstacles. The dream hints that you may not have all the information available, but rely on your basic senses and intuition.
Dreams of dead bats are good signs, they suggest that certain unforeseen dangers have been thwarted by outside forces. Perhaps someone has protected your certain danger without you knowing.


...see birds in your dream symbolize your goals, aspirations and hopes. To dream of chirping and/or flying birds represent joy, harmony, ecstasy, balance, and love. It denotes a sunny outlook in life. You are experiencing spiritual freedom and psychological liberation. It is almost as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.To dream of dead or dying birds indicates disappointments. You will find yourself worrying over problems that are constantly on your mind.


To dream of birds on the attack means that you are being pulled into too many directions. You are experiencing conflict with your spirituality. If the birds are trying to break into houses, then it implies that you are not following your desired path in life. Others are meddling in your life and interfering with your life path.


To see bird eggs in your dream symbolize money.


To see birds hatching in your dream symbolize delayed success.


To see a bird nest in your dream symbolizes independence, refuge and security. You need something to fall back on. Alternatively, it may signify a prosperous endeavor, new opportunities, and fortune...


Falling teeth relates to vanity:


One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxieties about your appearance and how others perceive you. Your teeth help to convey an image of attractiveness and play an important role in the game of flirtation, whether it is flashing those pearly whites, kissing or necking. Thus, such dreams may stem from a fear of rejection, feeling unattractive, feeling sexually undesirable or from growing older. To support this notion, a dream research found that women in menopause reported a higher frequency of dreams about their teeth. So there seems to be a correlation with getting older and having more teeth dreams.


Teeth are an important feature to your attractiveness and how you are presented to others. Caring about how you look is a natural concern.


Falling teeth relates to communication:


When your teeth are missing, you may also have a harder time talking or annunciating your words. Thus your falling teeth dream may be highlighting some communication issue. You are not speaking up about something or you feel prevented from doing so. Perhaps you are having difficulties expressing yourself or getting your point across.


Falling teeth relates to embarrassment:


Dreaming that your teeth are falling out or rotting may refer to your fears of being embarrassed or making a fool of yourself in some situation. Perhaps you feel unprepared for the task at hand and are afraid of getting ridiculed. These dreams are often an over-exaggeration of your worries and anxieties. In most cases, all your worrying is for nothing. Sometimes what you imagine is far worse than what is the reality.


Falling teeth relates to powerlessness:


Teeth are used to bite, tear, chew and gnaw. In this regard, teeth symbolize power. And the loss of teeth in your dream may be from a sense of powerlessness. Are you lacking power in some current situation? You feel frustrated when your voice is not being heard. You may be experiencing feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in your life. This dream may be an indication that you need to be more assertive and believe in the importance of what you have to say.


Falling teeth relates to health:


In traditional dream interpretation books, dreams of missing or losing teeth pointed to malnutrition or poor diet. This notion may still be applicable to some dreamers. The dream could also be a sign of poor dental health and that you need to visit a dentist.


Falling teeth relates to death:


We don't usually believe that dreams are an omen or a prediction of some future event. However, we have received numerous emails regarding dreams of loose, rotten, falling, or missing teeth and how it indicates that a family member or close friend is very sick or near death. We are including it as a possible meaning of your falling teeth dream and you can decide for yourself.


Falling teeth relates to money:


To dream that your teeth is falling out signifies that there will be money coming to you. This notion is based on the old tooth fairy tale. If you lose a tooth and leave it under the pillow, a tooth fairy would bring you money.


Falling teeth relates to deception:


According to the Chinese, there is a saying that your teeth will fall out if you are telling lies. Thus the dream may imply that you are being untruthful or deceitful about some matter.


Conclusion:


When deciphering your falling teeth dream, look at what is happening in your waking life that could bring about the dream. Teeth dreams may occur when you are in a new relationship, when you switch jobs, or during a transitional period in your life.

Collage Journal

Collages